Am I still me?

On Monday 9th March, I woke up feeling horrific. It had just passed my birthday weekend but there hadn’t been a heavy drinking sesh so it wasn’t a prolonged hangover. Over the weekend I hadn’t felt quite right but I put it down to being tired and a little overwhelmed with setting up my business.

When I called into work, we joked that I wasn’t calling in because of Corona. Although 7 days later, I was still in bed, sleeping for around 18 hours a day, coughing painfully, my whole body hurt and standing up caused dizziness. I had no voice and every day I called into my work to confirm I was still unwell and it hurt so much to talk. I knew my colleagues were genuinely concerned and things were changing in the workplace… and the world which I had little concept of as I was sleeping and not watching the news or on social media.

 I was admitted to hospital and told by the staff in full PPE it was a virus I had, possibly Corona and just to go home and isolate. They couldn’t prescribe me anything.

I then spent a further 6 days in bed and in the same condition. I live alone. I woke up one evening with my mother banging on my bedroom window (I live in a ground floor flat) as it was 7pm and I hadn’t checked my phone since the night before. I had just slept right through but you can only imagine the worry and worst case scenario in a mothers mind.

By day 14, I felt better, not 100% but well enough. I was advised to work from home which I attempted and struggled with in terms of adapting to a new way of working, still not feeling well and what was actually going on in the outside world. By the end of that week I was furloughed.

I am now on day 50 something in insolation and my birthday weekend feels like a life time ago and at the same time I can’t believe tomorrow is May. I can’t quite explain how I feel… perhaps because I never feel one way for long enough before I feel a different way. Constantly caught in thoughts of what I could do and what I should do. Getting annoyed at myself for still being in my pjs at 1pm while I play Scrabble Go… but justify it as keeping the brain active. Or laughing at how sad I am for cleaning my upcycled furniture with a toothbrush.

I have always thought of myself as someone who is very in tune with my own emotions and recognises what my body needs but after being so unwell I feel thrown. I think that because I don’t know if I had Coronavirus or not is making me feel uncomfortable. I’m almost embarrassed to admit that probably did. Everyone close to me is certain I did and their main concern is that I allow myself to fully recover.

I lost a lot of weight after being so unwell. That was quickly returned plus some due to lack of walks, gym, no more dancing at my friends flat and added trips to the fridge. More cheese? Why not? I maybe survived COVID so I deserve it.

Okay, now I am beginning to ramble. I miss structure more than I thought I would.

I feel different now. Will I feel the way I did before the 9th March again? Will I be a “better” person? Will I be fatter and lazier? I miss my work place, but what if I have forgotten how to do my job or lose the love? And then there is my side hustle and new business venture. What can I do? How will this go for me? And then I realise how often I have thought about myself during this. Perhaps life will never be the same again. I am so impressed with the creative ways friends and family are keeping in touch and spending time together and the ways organisations have kept going. Organisations have had to change how they work, what they offer and have been using their resources to make hand sanitizers and PPE products, provide for those less fortunate, counsel individuals, create activities for entertainment, free networking opportunities to meet others, free courses to develop your current skills or learn a new one.

Everyone and everything is changing.

Here are a few things I have done over the past few weeks to remind me of me:

·        Hosted several pub quizzes for Friends and Family

·        Listened to albums from the past 20 years that I have loved

·        Scrolled through old photos

·        Re-read some of my favourite fairytales

·        Watched the entire Sex and the City series from start to finish

·        Made and ate loads of pasta dishes

·        Published the Jaded Dating blog again (more on that later)

Things I have done that I probably wouldn’t have done or ever got round to:

·        I have now done 2 webinars on Speaking to Camera

·        A first date via Skype

·        Ordered a fancy shoe rack that needs to be built {still to do}

·        Started Yoga again

·        Donated to a local charity weekly

·        Daily Ted Talks Podcast

·        Shopped local

·        Signed up do a Maths Course at The Open University

… Math? That doesn’t sound like me.

I don’t think anyone should be ashamed to admit they are losing themselves or feeling overwhelmed during this time.

What are you doing to stay you and/or improve you? 

Published by Jaded Dating

A Jaded, optimistic bitch on the classic quest. A forever single city girl sharing her experiences on the dating scene with a goal to relate to other singles and remain positive

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